Not afraid

Published: June 18, 2022 / Updated: June 18, 2022 Vilma Life in Europe: Back Home

‘You are the best mama’, – my daughter  just  whispered in my ear. And even though I know that, many times us, mothers, are so hard on ourselves, often too hard. Hearing her say that simply melted my heart.

A few days ago my mom was less forgiving.

‘You don’t look like a 41 year old. But you do dress like a teenager’. Still, I took that as a good thing.

I turned 41 a week ago, and I’m not afraid to say my age out loud anymore. It does seem scary, seeing the number. But you know what? My daughter keeps me young and lighthearted (when she doesn’t worry me to death).

I am also not afraid to admit that I am as naive today as I was 20 years ago – when it comes to men. The only difference is that now I understand that I’m naive. Still, it allows me to take things easy and have some fun along the way.

Take London boy, for example.

‘ I wonder what your blog will say about me if we ever get to meet’, he wondered one day. Trust me, boy, I’ll dedicate the entire chapter to you.

Every once in a while he says he’ll visit me. Every once in a while I believe him. He gets me excited and then he backs off. It’s a typical game that men like to play. But I got used to it and I enjoy it and I no longer expect him to keep his word.

‘Two girlfriends down and you are still talking to me’, he wrote. Surprisingly so.

I am also extremely busy, so I don’t have time to even think about men, let alone do anything about it. The past two months have been crazy. Not only I left Mexico and moved back to Europe, but I found a gorgeous place for us to live amidst real estate crisis, and landed an awesome job. I did so much in so little time, I’m surprised I’m still alive. It would not have happened if not for my perseverance, a big chunk of good luck and continuous support from my family and friends, especially my mom.

Of course, it all doesn’t just stop here. But I am so excited to have reached the point where I currently am.

I got asked by my new colleagues recently whether I had a man, a child…

‘Yes’ to a child, the most beautiful almost four year old, and ‘no’ to a man’, I replied.

And there was not even one grain of sadness as I said it. It was a beautiful summer day and the sun was shining bright in the blue sky. My girl was safe and happy, and the absence of a man in my life seemed to be just an irrelevant detail.

Which made me wonder – have I finally found my inner peace?

My riches

June 5, 2022 Vilma Life in Mexico

And there she was… To be more precise, there she was somewhere two floors above me.

‘Nothing makes you feel like a woman till you squeeze a baby out of you’, – I announced, an expert after my daughter was born.

Nothing makes you feel in as much of a loss untill your newborn is taken away from you. For the right reasons, but still, she spent her first three days in this world without her mama.

I won’t bore you with the details of childbirth. I’ll just tell you that it started quite innocently.

The night before our daughter was born Beno and I were watching stand up comedy and were laughing out loud at Kevin Hart’s performance. I love that dude. Coincidentally, he was talking about babies, and I had the funniest night in a long time.

What started with laughs, turned into my water breaking down, continued with me pacing down the hospital ward for hours and ended up with me seeing our baby for the first time.

When I was able to visit our baby girl, after three restless days, I found her in what later became her signature sleeping position: lying on her belly, booty high up towards the sky, the cutest face to the side. And I finally had that feeling of what it truly meant to be a mama, when I picked her up for the first time and held her tight to my chest.

I’d definitely do some things differently the second time around, but I’m extremely grateful to the medical professionals who took care of us.

The days that followed were all hazy. Ask any first time mama and she’ll tell you that the first months after a baby is born are all about the sleepless nights. There are exceptions. I have heard (myths?) about newborns who slept through the night. But I’d rather miss out on the sleep myself than let my baby miss out on the precious milk. However, to be completely honest with you, breastfeeding every two hours day and night was not much fun.

Beno had taken a few days off to enjoy our family and help out. I loved having both daddy and baby around. Eventually Beno left for work again, and upon his return I met him with a starved look on my face.

‘I didn’t have time to eat’, – I admitted through the tears.

‘You eat first’, – he told me, ‘then feed the baby. I don’t want to hear about something like this again’.

And he didn’t. I moved into the routine of feeding, playing, cooking, eating and waiting for Beno to come home after work. My happiest hour was the hour when our baby was peacefully asleep and I could give Beno a hug and a kiss after a long day apart.

When people ask me what’s my biggest achievement in life, it’s this – it is getting this little girl to see the light of this world, and raising her as best as I can.