Cheers to being single (mom)

Published: June 13, 2021 / Updated: June 24, 2021 Vilma Life in Europe: Alderney

Being a single mom is not easy. The house owner where you want to rent turns you down, just because you have a kid. The guy you thought you could actually have something beautiful with turns you down, just because you have a kid. Yes, I do, and I love her to infinity and back infinite times. And if that is not good enough for you, that is most certainly not good enough for me.

Most of the time in my life I’ve got no clue what I’m doing (especially now as a mum). I certainly had zero understanding about what I was getting myself into when I decided to escape from my life (more specifically, my life in Alderney) and just travel. Innocent enough plan. Well, my family didn’t think so! My mom kept saying I took too many risks and they didn’t always paid off (true). My sister kept asking how could I just buy myself a plane ticket and fly to Peru to meet a guy I knew nothing about (not entirely true)? I had no answers for them, but I had plenty of enthusiasm.

I don’t use dating apps anymore these days, got no time or desire to do extra work after my official work hours. But back in Alderney I did. It was Kristina’s idea! She told me she signed up for okcupid and encouraged me to do the same. I did, and I set the search criteria to the whole world, of course, as in order to see any human outside of Alderney required getting on a plane anyway.

And there he was, as gorgeous brown eyed guy as I had ever seen, almost as good looking as Orlando Bloom. He seemed to have an adventurous nature and we quickly hit it off.

After a few weeks of innocent (and sometimes not so much) chatting, he told me he was planning a hitchhiking trip from Peru to Mexico. And asked whether I’d liked to join him. Hell yes! That’s what I told him, minus the ‘hell’ part. This was the answer I’d been waiting for. As I couldn’t decide where I wanted to go next, but no longer desired to stay on the island, it seemed like a perfect solution to take some time off and just travel. See what comes out of it. We calculated around 6 months, and we were off by 3 years.

My Peruvian was careful to put me at ease about who he was and what he did. Half beach bum and half world traveler, his Couchsurfing account was truly impressive. I had not heard of anything like this before, so I carefully read about this idea of hosting (being hosted) strangers in your home and studied his references.

We had a plan and we had each other. What I was missing I ordered from Amazon (a backpack and a pair of comfy hiking shoes. In reality I didn’t get the latter, I chose a pair of Converse. They were cute and they served me well in both hot and cold weather (with the warmest socks I could lay my hands on), but they certainly weren’t suitable for climbing mountains and carrying 13 kg backpack on top of me every day for a very long time). But hey, who can blame me for wanting to look good for my Peruvian?

So after heartfelt goodbyes and promises to see each other again, I headed to London to board the plane to Lima. I started a diary too, for the second time in my life (the first one had lots of drama from high school years, especially to do with the boy who got me addicted to chocolate).

I hope to be able to read these diaries to my daughter one day, so she can see how amazing and fearless her mama was/still is.

The grateful girl

Published: May 28, 2021 / Updated: June 7, 2021 Vilma Life in Europe: Alderney

Beaches and friends. That’s what Alderney gave me and that is why I treasure my life on the island so much. Kristina would dare to disagree. All she heard was me complaining about the fog and the rain. You know, the best weather one can ask for come summer or winter…

She heard all about it in person, when I finally made it to Thailand – my first hand experience of travel plans literally disappearing into the fog, well, due to fog!

We also met in San Francisco, CA, and celebrated our 30th together. Another amazing trip!

If anything, my job at Aurigny gave me enough vacation days and, gratefully, enough savings to enjoy it. But like I said, the island was a treasure on its own, a little gem close to the coast of France. You know how in rare places of this world you put apples for sale outside your house and an empty jar to collect the money? And people actually leave you the money? Well, in Alderney that’s how they live.

And if you could expect something like this on a tiny island you’d never heard of before, you could not expect to meet somebody from your country. Not where the population is 2000.

And not where you can count the shopping options on your one hand fingers. In short, shopping in Alderney sucks. There are a couple of boutiques where you may find unique but expensive pieces. And one shoe store. Everybody shops online or flies to the mainland UK.

One day I was in that shoe store desperately trying to find a pair of comfy work shoes (Amazon and all that jazz came later). The sales woman told me her friend’s daddy had been from my country. I couldn’t believe it. I met her, the friend, and I’ll always remember how she greeted me with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and with a tiny flag from my country poking out of it. A beautiful friendship began to form. We had shared a lot of heart warming and fun moment during the years. I call her Bubbles, because she’s got the bubbliest personality I know. And she loves the champagne.

And that is only one of the stories. I made several very close friends like that. They are very dear to my heart, even though we are far in distance. I hope that one day we will get to see each other again.

Besides my new friends, I loved the island beaches. Mainly because they never got crowded. Even when they did, the social distancing was totally doable. Sure, the water was as cold as the cheater’s heart, but the natural beauty was stunning. Be it sand or pebbles, rocks or pier, every single beach in Alderney is precious.

After 7 years, though, I started feeling restless. No news there, huh? It’s a miracle I lasted that long, given my track record! Slowly, I came to a point where I needed to escape. The island was becoming too small for me. Where? That was a million dollar question. And I pondered on it for a few long weeks. Cayman islands? Back to the USA? Back to Europe? Another exotic island in the middle of nowhere? Or just drop it all and travel till I figure something out?

Guess what choice I made.

The cheated girl

Published: May 21, 2021 / Updated: May 24, 2021 Vilma Life in Europe: Alderney

My mom gave him that nickname. ‘He looks like a real eye candy boy’, – she said as soon as she saw him the first time.

Before my mom got to come and visit me, a lot had happened. After the night where I got to dance with him at the bunker party for the first time, and after the same night when I made out not far from my house like I’ve never made out before, people I hardly knew would stop me in the street and say: ‘I hear you are seeing the eye candy boy’. Or: ‘I hear you are going out with him’. And I had to look up the difference between the two as I was getting confused!

I also got told: ‘I’m his best friend, you be nice to him’. And ‘I’m his ex, I hear you are dating’. Yes, the news was quick to spread. And at the beginning I’d still see the gardener once in a while, until he saw me gyrating (his word in the text soon after it happened) with the boy and told me he was backing away.

The eye candy boy was still a boy. He was 9 years my junior, imagine that! But he was gorgeous. He worked with his hands, and I always loved that in men. Somehow a man who spends all his day in front of a computer screen (no offence to all of you lovely friends reading this post) doesn’t appeal to me as much as a man who spends his day digging dirt, sometimes literally!

He liked to go out and had many friends, having grown up on the island. Going out with him I made new friends too and got a bit into the party scene. Don’t blame me, going to the pub after work or a disco on the weekend was and probably still is the thing to do in Alderney. Besides, his mom didn’t mind serving me a huge plate of delicious English breakfast on Sunday mornings.

We had a lot of fun. We would cook together, go exploring the local beaches, be lazy watching TV. I couldn’t complain. He made my life in Alderney so much more exciting.

Then my mom came for a visit. Bless her, she’s my hero. She took 3 planes but she made it alright. That’s when she saw the eye candy boy.

And that’s when the eye candy boy cheated on me. Remember the ‘I’m his ex’ comment? That’s right, with her. I admire him for coming out straight, but he couldn’t have chosen a worse moment. I was on a long walk with my mom when I received his text asking to see me. While my mom was admiring Longis bay, he broke my heart.

‘I slept with my ex last night’, he told me. I asked how it happened (he was drunk) and why it happened (he couldn’t give me the answer). So now just imagine me trying to hide my tears and keep a straight face in front of my mom. I couldn’t tell her…

There was a break, of course. Until he showed up on my doorstep with 3 pages of handwritten letter. I read and re-read and re-read those pages many times. The boy was crushed and punishing himself hard. I was crushed too, but seeing his regret made me believe we could get through this.

And although none of my other partners cheated on me or, shall I say, came out and admitted having done so, it always made me wonder. Can you truly forgive infidelity? Can you move on from the pain and let go? Could you see the bigger picture and call it a mistake?

I tried. But the trust was no longer there. Every night spent apart turned into an ugly guessing game. Doubts turned into blame. The relationship was over the moment he told me the truth.

Funnily enough when we decided to break up for good we had already booked our vacation in Canary islands. It was April and we desperately wanted some sun after the rainy and foggy winter. So we decided to still go together. Mistake! It was not fun having to spend two weeks sleeping in separate beds and kind of feeling like strangers. We had a past, so it was not so easy to let go. I remember the boy being in the shower when I decided to check his phone messages. Mistake! Girls, beware! Don’t go through somebody’s phone if you don’t want to find something you don’t like. Because you will. You shouldn’t even think about it, having all the trust in the world in your partner. But we were far from it and I got annoyed seeing him constantly checking his messages.

Lo and behold, the message was from the roofman’s ex/current girlfriend (I stopped trying to figure it out long before this happened), saying what a fantastic time they would have when he got back.

Eye candy boy, I ran away from the hotel room that night and waited for you to come and find me. But you never did.

The party girl

Published: May 18, 2021 / Updated: May 18, 2021 Vilma Life in Europe: Alderney

‘What’s your name?’ – asked the guy who had jumped out of a battered up pick up truck and stopped me in the middle of the road. It was a sunny Sunday morning and I was just walking through the cobbled streets of Alderney enjoying my day off. And then boom – this happened. It felt like a ‘movie star’ moment, and I didn’t mind. I was still the new girl in town. ‘Vilma’, – I said. ‘I’m the gardener’, – he replied, jumped back into his truck and drove away leaving me smiling to myself.

Some time has passed since I came to the island. I found myself a new place to live (thank you for the offer, Helen!), which meant my own room and my own bathroom in a lovely family home. I found myself a better job (I’m pretty sure I owe thanks to somebody there as well) and the island was starting to rub off quite nicely on me.

The walks to and from the new restaurant were pure pleasure with amazing views of the coastline. I hated it when it rained. But the islanders were very friendly and would always offer me a ride up or down the hill in the nasty weather. They would offer it on sunny days too, just to show how truly friendly they were!

A couple of days after the ‘movie star’ incident (see above) I realized that the gardener was living next door to my new place of work. How did I come to realize that? Because he called out my name one morning from his balcony when I was getting ready for the night service. And so the casual greetings turned into the visits to his house – very convenient having to go up just a few steps after my shift.

Now if you think that this turned into something serious, you are absolutely right. It turned into dating 2 men (or at least as close as I ever came to that) at the same time.

Which brings us back to ‘I heard you were making out with the eye candy boy last night’ mentioned previously. Going out with the gardener was ok. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad either. The visits were kind of monotonous, and I think by now you know me well enough to know I’m not ‘the same thing every day’ kind of girl. Oh wait, but I am! Now… Sort of… Back then it was different. And I’ve got one waitress to blame.

About 10 years younger, still in high school, she was the sweetest thing and she did her job well. But she was also always full of stories about a bunker party or a house party she had been to the night before. I had done none of the partying and as you remember, my high school years were spotless and quiet too. But my coworker was a mystery to me. I listened and I listened until I could not just listen anymore and started asking questions. At that time another student joined us at the restaurant and she was also full of stories of the previous night. They both encouraged me to come with them to one of the bunker parties and guaranteed me I’d have a great time.

‘What’s a bunker party?’ – you ask. The recipe is simple. You take a bunker.

You add some lights and music.

You throw in some youngsters.

And you’ve got yourself a party.

Now don’t freak out, please. Having spent the past year in lockdown and still facing the pandemic, I know what you are thinking. The parties were not organized during that time. But when I was there it was the thing to do and the place to be seen (huh? In that darkness?). The bunker would be a mile or two outside of town. But who counted? You’d go with a bunch of friends and have fun on the way. You’d see the bright stars in the dark night sky. You’d do your business on the grass on the side of the road and continue walking like nothing had happened.

Even though I was not yet 30, I was one of the older people there (I checked!). Still, those parties were amazing, something I had never done before. And in one of the first parties I’d gone to, I met the eye candy boy.

The new girl

Published: May 9, 2021 / Updated: May 10, 2021 Vilma Life in Europe: Alderney

‘I heard you were making out with the eye candy boy last night’ – my friend told me. And that basically sums up the island of Alderney – everybody knew everything, in most cases even before it happened. Don’t get me wrong, it was a very special place to me, and very dear to my heart. But it was also very small, and living in a tiny community comes with its challenges.

Of course, I knew nothing about the life on a small island when I took up the job offer. I’d never lived on one before. But that was part of the fun. I had my job and my accommodation all lined up for me, my paperwork was being sorted (although part of the UK, it was not part of the EU at the time). All I needed to do was take a plane. Take it I did. The plane got diverted to Southampton because of the fog and I simply had no idea that was an indication of Alderney weather – the never ending fog. I was just happy I got to spend a night in a hotel, all expenses paid.

Finally the 18 seater Trislander plane approached what looked like a little green paradise, with old forts dotted here and there, and blue waters washing its shores. It looked like nothing I’d seen before.

The island looked magical in the sunlight. And it didn’t so when the rain came. And then the fog. And then the rain. And then more fog. You are starting to get the picture, right? Even though the island was really small, I managed to get lost the first night I went for a walk. I blamed the rain and the fog.

Compared to me previous jobs, this one offered me a private room. What an improvement from the room shared by four! The bathroom was shared, but I had to be grateful for little blessings.

Slowly I started make the transition from the new to the familiar face in the community. At first the coffee lovers in the morning would greet me with ‘Aren’t you the new girl? Where are you from?’, like they didn’t already know, while I fixed them their lattes and cappuccinos. Later they’d say ‘The usual, please, Vilma’ and sit at the same table waiting for the same drink as they did every morning.

I easily made friends with other people working at the restaurant. Some friends warm up my heart up to this day, some were in my life for a brief time, long enough to go out to a pub together or enjoy a cocktail at the Mai Thai.

On one of the stops at the pub after work, a handsome guy saw me for the first time and told me: ‘One day I’ll marry you’. Well, that was quite a statement, there’s no denying that. It was the beer talking, of course, but it took only that much to make my heart beat just a little bit faster! The roofman would show up during my years on the island for brief periods of time. And every time I saw him I would remember the words in the pub that night. What if it wasn’t just the beer? What if?.. He didn’t frequent nearly us often as the fog did, but he did knock on my door couple of times in the middle of the night.

Funnily enough, his two brothers showed me some interest, too. This is what it meant to be the new girl on the island. I had the attention. However, the roofman always ruled my heart.

Another character started showing up at the restaurant with bouquets of flowers and boxes of chocolates, begging me to go out with him. You know me, right, I can’t say no to chocolate. So I did. We met up a few times, shared a couple of laughs, cooked a couple of meals, till he left my place one evening and ended up with his ex the following morning.

From the ‘marriage proposal’ to cheating, I’d gone through it all in Alderney.

In and out of harbor

Published: May 4, 2021 / Updated: May 4, 2021 Vilma Life in Europe: Back Home

I didn’t go back to Greece. One time was enough, I decided, and I couldn’t really bear to think of another summer full of shouting. And no matter how much I missed him, I was not the girl for him. A few years later I found out he got married to another girl from my country.

So I was back home, but I had no intention of staying there. My English had improved over my years in the USA, and I wanted to continue practicing it. So I looked for jobs in the UK.

I was staying at my sister’s. Living in one place for just a couple of years comes at a price, you now. I had no home in my home country. So my sister’s place was my harbor, and it still is whenever I go back to visit.

I love my family: my mom, my sister, my nephews and my nieces.

But I also love exploring and have an adventurous nature. I take risks that pay off and that don’t. So leaving my country again was not a big deal for me. It was another adventure. Besides, I had no strings attached. The men came and went, brought joys and left tears, and there was a big wide world out there to explore.

Just so you get the full picture here, I did have a couple more flings before I left that time.

Even though I no longer use dating apps today, I had used them quite a lot during my younger years. While back home, I started chatting with a guy from my country who was working in Norway. In short, he was tall, blond and handsome. So after some time chatting, he actually came to visit his family and we got to meet. Hearing his voice for the first time over the phone was very exciting. And seeing him bring me chocolates and a bottle of Baileys was even more so! The visit didn’t last long, but it was very fulfilling.

My other online romance turned into an adventure as well. But this time I was the one who accepted the offer to come and visit Savannah, GA. Remember the part about me taking risks? Here you have it. Kristina told me she’d check on me as soon as I landed and she demanded (!) I get in touch with her every day to let her know I was ok. I mean who at this day and age flies to the other side of the world to meet a guy she’s only previously seen online? Has she not heard about fake profiles and not seen ‘Catfish‘? Well, then was not ‘this day and age’ and I do (did). Besides, how bad could the guy be, if his dog looked like this? It was huge, and it was called Tiny.

The guy was great. He had a good nature and he was into me for sure. We did have a lovely time together, shared meals in, had nights out, even danced on the street! He drove me from Savannah to HHI as I wanted to go back to the place that brought me so much joy and pain. But to be honest with you, I think I fell in love with the dog, not with the man.

So after a couple of weeks and regular check ins I ended up visiting Kristina, before I flew back home.

And now it was time for a new adventure. And maybe a new man.

I remember getting the phone call. It was the hotel manager from Alderney. Now raise your hand if you’ve ever heard of that place. Neither have I! But that was soon to become my home for the next seven years…

It’s all Greek to me

Published: April 27, 2021 / Updated: April 27, 2021 Vilma Life in Europe: Greece

Remember the skinny guy who picked me up on the morning I arrived to Parga? He was one of the twins. The manager. The other twin was the chef.

While their mother Nafsika would sit at the restaurant every night and smile at the customers, the twins would yell at the staff. They yelled at anybody and everybody, even at each other! I later understood it was their way, and I no longer took it personally. But at the beginning of my summer I struggled to comprehend how the boys would shout at me during the day, but would cheerfully invite me for a drink at night.

Although both very skinny (too skinny!) they were also very charming. The chef was closer to my heart, but my Polish friend was besotted with him.

And being a good friend, of course, I let her experience her summer romance with all the ups and downs. It seemed like there had been some history between them the previous summer, and things didn’t go so smoothly this time around.

There were rumors the manager went out with a different girl every night, so I tried to stay away and not get involved. I am a believer in eternal love, as you know. Or was back then. We did have some sweet moments (a hug here, a drink there, a day trip in between) and for that I was grateful.

If my heart was not very much into the twins, it melted the moment I saw the guy from Romania. He was staying at the same house, but not working at the restaurant. He definitely stood out – he had blond hair and light blue eyes (don’t ask me what’s up with that. These days my preferences are very different!), he wore faded blue jeans and white sneakers, and his ‘don’t care’ attitude was very sexy. He fit the role of a holiday romance perfectly. And not only for me, but for many girls who came to Parga that summer.

Then there was the Greek god. One day during that summer he walked into the restaurant and greeted the twins. Family or friends, they were obviously related. And I literally stopped what I was doing and couldn’t take me eyes off him. I couldn’t explain it. I was drawn to him. I stayed close to the three of them trying to listen and understand, which got me nowhere! On the way out, the guy told me he’d come back next day and take me to the beach. I couldn’t say ‘no’ to the beach, of course, and in reality I didn’t want to say ‘no’ to this friend, so mesmerized, I agreed.

The following day he picked me up with his scooter and drove me to the most beautiful beach I had seen in my life up to that moment – Lichnos.

We hardly talked, but did plenty of looking. The beach was vast and truly gorgeous. The guy who took me there was the Greek God. And that afternoon was… Let’s just say it didn’t go as planned for some of us.

Summer passed by quickly. Soon enough I was on the bus back to Athens listening to The Blower’s Daughter, trying to convince myself, that ‘can’t take my eyes off you’ part was about me. And why wouldn’t it be? He asked me come back. He sent me off with kisses. I promised to come back.

Yes to Grease, yes to Greece

Published: April 19, 2021 / Updated: April 19, 2021 Vilma Life in Europe: Greece

One day my fiance told me that we should watch ‘Grease‘. I thought he was talking about Greece, and I wasn’t too keen. Greece? The country in Europe? No, thank you, too close to home… But I did watch the movie, and I did come to Greece.

It was one summer in Parga.

Athens had been an untouched land before my trip to the Balkan peninsula. And it remains so up to this day. I didn’t get to see the famous city or any of its sights. It was the stop before getting into the bus to Parga on the Northwestern coast.

Just like in Petoskey, I was put in a room with 3 other girls. I was not a freshman anymore, I was a graduate with 1 year of a serious job experience under my belt. And I had to share the room and the bathroom with 3 other girls? Actually, I had to share the bathroom with boys, too! I didn’t mind, though, it was the summer abroad, and it was my adventure in Europe, and I couldn’t have cared less about the lack of space or privacy.

I got hired as a waitress at Nafsika restaurant (turned into Gemini restaurant and pizzeria) and I worked hard.

Early in the morning I’d go to the restaurant and prepare for the service. I’d come home, rest and hide from the hot Mediterranean sun during lunch time, come out again in the late afternoon to work my shift.

I remember how much I liked my walks to and from the restaurant.

There were olive and lemon trees growing everywhere, there were walnut trees and exotic flowers. It simply was a bright and happy place. I passed by a precious beach every day and it soon became my resting spot after the morning prep.

I have to say, the heat that summer was immense. The temperatures reached and surpassed 50 degrees Celsius. Some mornings I’d be putting plates on the tables, polishing the cutlery and trying not to leave any traces of my sweat dripping all over the table.

A girl from Poland worked with me and soon enough we became really good friends. After the shift, on the way back from the restaurant, we’d often stop by at a bar and enjoy a Black Russian or two. On the nights when we skipped the drinks, we’d stop at a bakery and buy some delicious desserts. We worked hard, but we also enjoyed every free moment we got.

The pocket dictionary that I brought with me came in handy (or so I thought). I learned to say ‘good morning’, ‘good evening’, ‘thank you’, ‘yes’ and ‘no’. Funnily, Greek ‘yes’ sounds just like a ‘no’ in my native language. I remember all the diners who would tell me ‘yes, yes’, when asked if they wanted bread with their salad. The bread would never arrive as in my mind they were saying ‘no, no’!

Then there was food… I couldn’t think of anything better than a fresh Greek salad on a sunny day in Greece. Spanakopita was on the menu as well, as well as with many other traditional Greek cuisine dishes. However, in Parga I fell in love with moussaka and had that for lunch as often as I could.

So there was food. There was the sea. There were lemons. And there were boys.

Zoo York state of mind

Published: April 12, 2021 / Updated: April 12, 2021 Vilma Life in Europe: Back Home

The other day I came across this pearl of wisdom:

It got me thinking. What is it that I want and look for? Well, in no particular order:

  • a lifelong partner, a.k.a the last boyfriend
  • an awesome job
  • loads of money, enough to bathe in!
  • a place that feels like home

But in reality, do I need any of that?

  • no partner in sight at the moment, but it is what it is
  • I got a job. Is it awesome? It pays the bills. Few of us have the luxury to do awesome every day and call it a job
  • certainly don’t have enough to bathe in, but I get by
  • home is where the heart is

So I don’t need any of this. What do I find then, when I stop searching? I believe I find calm and peace of mind…

That is something I didn’t have when I came back to Europe. I didn’t want to be back, I didn’t plan to be back. I remember standing in my sister’s bathroom with my cellphone pressed to my ear whispering: ‘Yes, I miss you too’. You guessed it, to no other than my husband, who I left on the other side of the Atlantic. Thankfully, it was not easy to drop everything and run back into his arms, the ocean being… you know, the ocean.

The first good thing that happened to me then, I finished my university and got my degree. The second good thing happened when I got a job, and it turned out I quite liked it. The third good thing happened when he walked into my office and his smile lit up the room.

The smile, together with soft blue eyes and ‘touch me’ blond hair belonged to a young man. He came for a job interview at the company that I worked for, and being part of the HR team I had the right to be as nosy as I needed to be, to see how suitable he was for the job opening (in reality trying to find out as much as possible about the guy who’s been sitting in front of me for 5 min but I was already madly in love with him). ‘And why did you leave the States?’ – I asked when he mentioned he’d been living there for a while. ‘Oh, you know, I got married, but things didn’t quite work out’.

I did know! Two young souls who thought they had it all, and who came back right where they started. I kept looking into his eyes, his smile, his Zoo York T-shirt (reminded me of NYC) and felt this was meant to be.

There were coffee breaks, kisses, shared meals, basketball games, trips to the seaside and meetings abroad a few years later.

But I was feeling restless. I was yearning for adventures. My country was no longer enough for me. My job no longer interested me. I started looking for summer placements abroad, landed one in Greece and took a flight to Athens.

Celebrity style

Published: April 5, 2021 / Updated: April 5, 2021 Vilma Life in the USA: The Ugly

While engaged and living in NYC, I remember one day seeing this picture of Renee Zellweger.

I loved it. Renee the bride, she looked so happy. It inspired me. I knew in a couple of months’ time I would be just like her, on my wedding day on the beach.

Sadly, her marriage lasted only 4 months.

Well, Renee, I beat you this time. My marriage lasted only 3 months.

I believe it’s no surprise to any of you that my relationship ended so soon after we got married. I don’t think it was a surprise to me, either. Although to finally be apart took a huge deal of effort and struggle, and mixed feelings.

The last day at my mother in law’s house started as usual. I woke up that morning and got ready to go to work. I couldn’t start the car, though, and came back to the bedroom to wake up my husband and ask him for help. As mentioned, he’d usually wake up just before noon. And there I was nagging into his ear about needing a ride to work early on. He kept trying to convince me to take a taxi, but I was having none of it. I had a husband and he had a car, why would I ever take a taxi?

Words got stronger, voices got louder, till he jumped out of bed, grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me out of the room.

I was boiling inside. NOBODY GETS TO PUSH ME. But my rage came out only as a quiet ‘that’s it’, almost as if said to myself. I took a taxi to work.

That day had the longest hours. But it gave me time to decide: ‘I was done’.

After work I hastily packed my bags (having to leave all the wedding and bridal shower gifts) and moved out. My friend let me stay with her.

Trust me. That time was one of the hardest things I had to go through (but not THE hardest, as I later found out). I hardly ate. I didn’t crave chocolate. And for a huge chocolate addict like myself that was a huge deal. I cried, I felt lost, I doubted myself, I sought help, I was afraid.

I heard the rumors about myself. I stole from the chef, took his money. I was ungrateful woman after having been accepted to the family. The chef knew where I was staying and he threatened my friend. I had to look over my shoulder every time I left the house. I applied for a restraining order.

Fast forward a few months, I had tried to get a divorce, unsuccessfully.

Fast forward a few years, I found out he had passed.

My husband was gone, and so was that chapter of my life in the USA: the good, the bad, the ugly, the wedding and the funeral. Almost as if I had been playing part in ‘Four weddings and a funeral‘ – except with one wedding. It seemed that for a brief moment I had lived celebrity style.

My restless soul, however, kept searching for love.