I met a guy on the playground the other day. Amongst all the other parents he stood out with his long blond hair and 2 most adorable little kids (after mine, that is).
‘How do you manage?’ – I asked watching him effortlessly juggle both toddlers. ‘I can hardly manage with one!’ – I added.
He smiled.
‘I’m not usually on my own here’, – he responded, ‘but once in a while I like to give my wife a break’.
Was that an exception from the norm or was it the norm? I don’t even know anymore. At that very moment to me he seemed one of a kind. Where are those men that do half of the house chores? Where are those dads that are as much involved in their child care as the moms are? Where are those men that go on a date with a girl online and end up marrying her? Where are those men that love their woman so much that they accept her children as their own?
Not in my universe.
There is this elderly lady that I’ve known for quite some time now, a few years. We used to live next door to each other. She’s seen me single, she’s seen me pregnant and she’s seen me broken down. I got her message the other day, like I do once in a while, just checking in.
‘Vilma, how are you? How’s your little girl?’ – she started as usual. ‘You know, nothing would make me happier than to know that you have found somebody and are no longer on your own’.
That made me smile, but it was a sad smile.
That makes two of us, my dear, I thought to myself.
‘Hello, neighbor’, I said in a fake cheerful voice. ‘Of course I’m on my own’, – I told her matter of factly. ‘Nobody wants a woman with a child’.
This, of course, is based on me raising my daughter alone and receiving zero interest from any man alive. Having a child is the most beautiful thing in the world. Raising one is the most difficult one. It’s a blessing to share the good and the bad with another person. But the men I’ve come across run away as soon as they hear me mention my daughter. The only male constant in my life at the moment is the man delivering my groceries once a week, and it’s not even the same man every time.
‘No, Vilma, don’t say that. Good men exist. You just wait’, – my ex-neighbor continued. ‘I was with the man who cared for me and my children like they were his own’. Lucky you, I though, where did you find a man like that? The don’t seem to exist in my universe.
And so it makes me wonder. I spend so much time every day thinking about where those men are and why I haven’t crossed paths with them in the recent years. I keep dreaming, obsessing, hoping, crying, guessing, searching, complaining, giving up and starting again. I use so much time thinking about men and hoping that one will just magically step into my life (well it happens to others, so why not me?) and never leave, that I now realize it’s a complete and utter waste of my precious time and energy.
I read this really interesting article recently.
What struck me the most the part about self education:
‘The truth is that anyone who is part of the 1% not only values education, but is also a lifelong learner. Being a lifelong learner helps them understand the world they live in, provides them with more and better opportunities, and improves the quality of their life. It is a deliberate and voluntary choice, not a chore.
Most people are unable to enter the niche because they undervalue the power of self-education. They think that getting some degree will be sufficient to be successful. But it’s not like that. Self-initiated education focuses on personal development and offers many long-term benefits, including improved self-confidence, renewed self-motivation and the building of new skills’.
So instead of staring at my phone, or texting the wrong guy, or feeling self pity, I should be doing something. Learning something. ‘Debes ocuparte, no procuparte’, – I was told more than once lately.
Every time I think about moving back to Europe I automatically dismiss countries that require me to speak the language I don’t know. Had I done something about this 2 years ago, I would have mastered at least two new languages by now.
I also have to remind myself that things happen to us only when we are ready for them. Not earlier, not later. It’s one of the four Shaman laws, which I came to love and seek out when times get hard.
The first law says that the person that is in our life is just the right person. Nobody is here by accident, everybody we surround ourselves with is here for a reason.
The second law says what happens is the only thing that could have happened. Whatever happens couldn’t have happened in any other way whatsoever, not even by the tiniest detail. It happens exactly that way so we learn and move forward. All the situations in our life are perfect, even though our mind and our ego resists that and doesn’t want to accept it at times.
The third law says that when something happens, it happens at the right moment. Everything starts when it should, not before, not after. When we are ready for something to happen in our lives, that’s when it happens.
The fourth one says that when something ends, it ends. Just like that. If something ends in our life, it’s for our evolution, and it’s best to leave it. To move forward and take this experience with us.
And so I must not be ready for a new and good man in my life, although that doesn’t stop me from saying a little prayer every night hoping that day comes soon.