The book made me weep.

‘It’s a great book’, – I tried to explain through the sobs and the tears to my daughter. She looked very worried. ‘If you see mama cry when reading a book or watching a movie, it means it’s very very good’, – I assured her.

The book was that good. It touched me to the bottom of my soul.

It’s definitely not your typical cheesy love story. It’s big and it’s powerful while extremely fragile at the same time. And it played the strings of my heart beautifully.

My love also died. I also saw him lifeless and the image of him like that keeps haunting me. You know, all those years ago, I wanted to take my daughter, 6 months back then, to see Beno one last time. But I would have never forgiven myself if I’d let her see him that day. Her daddy was always the life of the party, but the body in the casket was not.

I loved Beno like I had never loved anybody before. I could not get enough of him. Physically and mentally. I needed him. I had to always touch him. And when he was gone, it hit me very hard. Just the other day I dreamt of him. I was getting ready to talk to him, ask where he was, but I suddenly realised that he’s no more. And it’s sad and it’s frustrating to wake up to that realisation, but at least for the tiniest of moments in my dreams I believe he’s alive. My little girl tells me that I keep dreaming the same thing over and over again – I dream of daddy but he’s not there. That is true and I’ll take it any time over not having dreams about him at all.

And later, much later, I found London boy. A boy who captured my heart. But he is a lonely wolf.

Lucy loved Gabe with all her being, but the man chose his career over her, over them, and moved away. She fell in love with another man, she did give birth to 2 lovely children. But she couldn’t get Gabe out of her head. Every phone call, every message moved her in a way nothing and nobody could. Not even her husband. And Gabe, too, could not let go of Lucy completely.

I feel exactly like that girl.

And London boy is exactly like Gabe. Choosing himself above anybody else.

And it’s not like Lucy didn’t love her husband. She did. But their love was more like a hearth fire: stable, cozy and nourishing. What she had with Gabe was an all consuming wildfire. Their love was so strong that even years with other people, miles and miles of distance between them could not put it out.

And if you ask me what kind of love I’d wish for my daughter to have, I’d say without a doubt I wanted her to experience the wildfire. Sure, it breaks you, it hurts you, but it also makes you alive.

I may not even need to wait that long as my daughter has officially declared that she had a boyfriend. Not from school, not from the yard, where her friends are more of less her age. She’s in love with a young man who works in a store nearby. Bless her beautiful heart. I am and I am not looking forward to the heartaches and desires that will eventually follow.

‘A woman filled with light makes everything she touches brighter’.