Cheers to being single (mom)

Published: June 13, 2021 / Updated: June 24, 2021 Vilma Life in Europe: Alderney

Being a single mom is not easy. The house owner where you want to rent turns you down, just because you have a kid. The guy you thought you could actually have something beautiful with turns you down, just because you have a kid. Yes, I do, and I love her to infinity and back infinite times. And if that is not good enough for you, that is most certainly not good enough for me.

Most of the time in my life I’ve got no clue what I’m doing (especially now as a mum). I certainly had zero understanding about what I was getting myself into when I decided to escape from my life (more specifically, my life in Alderney) and just travel. Innocent enough plan. Well, my family didn’t think so! My mom kept saying I took too many risks and they didn’t always paid off (true). My sister kept asking how could I just buy myself a plane ticket and fly to Peru to meet a guy I knew nothing about (not entirely true)? I had no answers for them, but I had plenty of enthusiasm.

I don’t use dating apps anymore these days, got no time or desire to do extra work after my official work hours. But back in Alderney I did. It was Kristina’s idea! She told me she signed up for okcupid and encouraged me to do the same. I did, and I set the search criteria to the whole world, of course, as in order to see any human outside of Alderney required getting on a plane anyway.

And there he was, as gorgeous brown eyed guy as I had ever seen, almost as good looking as Orlando Bloom. He seemed to have an adventurous nature and we quickly hit it off.

After a few weeks of innocent (and sometimes not so much) chatting, he told me he was planning a hitchhiking trip from Peru to Mexico. And asked whether I’d liked to join him. Hell yes! That’s what I told him, minus the ‘hell’ part. This was the answer I’d been waiting for. As I couldn’t decide where I wanted to go next, but no longer desired to stay on the island, it seemed like a perfect solution to take some time off and just travel. See what comes out of it. We calculated around 6 months, and we were off by 3 years.

My Peruvian was careful to put me at ease about who he was and what he did. Half beach bum and half world traveler, his Couchsurfing account was truly impressive. I had not heard of anything like this before, so I carefully read about this idea of hosting (being hosted) strangers in your home and studied his references.

We had a plan and we had each other. What I was missing I ordered from Amazon (a backpack and a pair of comfy hiking shoes. In reality I didn’t get the latter, I chose a pair of Converse. They were cute and they served me well in both hot and cold weather (with the warmest socks I could lay my hands on), but they certainly weren’t suitable for climbing mountains and carrying 13 kg backpack on top of me every day for a very long time). But hey, who can blame me for wanting to look good for my Peruvian?

So after heartfelt goodbyes and promises to see each other again, I headed to London to board the plane to Lima. I started a diary too, for the second time in my life (the first one had lots of drama from high school years, especially to do with the boy who got me addicted to chocolate).

I hope to be able to read these diaries to my daughter one day, so she can see how amazing and fearless her mama was/still is.

The grateful girl

Published: May 28, 2021 / Updated: June 7, 2021 Vilma Life in Europe: Alderney

Beaches and friends. That’s what Alderney gave me and that is why I treasure my life on the island so much. Kristina would dare to disagree. All she heard was me complaining about the fog and the rain. You know, the best weather one can ask for come summer or winter…

She heard all about it in person, when I finally made it to Thailand – my first hand experience of travel plans literally disappearing into the fog, well, due to fog!

We also met in San Francisco, CA, and celebrated our 30th together. Another amazing trip!

If anything, my job at Aurigny gave me enough vacation days and, gratefully, enough savings to enjoy it. But like I said, the island was a treasure on its own, a little gem close to the coast of France. You know how in rare places of this world you put apples for sale outside your house and an empty jar to collect the money? And people actually leave you the money? Well, in Alderney that’s how they live.

And if you could expect something like this on a tiny island you’d never heard of before, you could not expect to meet somebody from your country. Not where the population is 2000.

And not where you can count the shopping options on your one hand fingers. In short, shopping in Alderney sucks. There are a couple of boutiques where you may find unique but expensive pieces. And one shoe store. Everybody shops online or flies to the mainland UK.

One day I was in that shoe store desperately trying to find a pair of comfy work shoes (Amazon and all that jazz came later). The sales woman told me her friend’s daddy had been from my country. I couldn’t believe it. I met her, the friend, and I’ll always remember how she greeted me with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and with a tiny flag from my country poking out of it. A beautiful friendship began to form. We had shared a lot of heart warming and fun moment during the years. I call her Bubbles, because she’s got the bubbliest personality I know. And she loves the champagne.

And that is only one of the stories. I made several very close friends like that. They are very dear to my heart, even though we are far in distance. I hope that one day we will get to see each other again.

Besides my new friends, I loved the island beaches. Mainly because they never got crowded. Even when they did, the social distancing was totally doable. Sure, the water was as cold as the cheater’s heart, but the natural beauty was stunning. Be it sand or pebbles, rocks or pier, every single beach in Alderney is precious.

After 7 years, though, I started feeling restless. No news there, huh? It’s a miracle I lasted that long, given my track record! Slowly, I came to a point where I needed to escape. The island was becoming too small for me. Where? That was a million dollar question. And I pondered on it for a few long weeks. Cayman islands? Back to the USA? Back to Europe? Another exotic island in the middle of nowhere? Or just drop it all and travel till I figure something out?

Guess what choice I made.

The cheated girl

Published: May 21, 2021 / Updated: May 24, 2021 Vilma Life in Europe: Alderney

My mom gave him that nickname. ‘He looks like a real eye candy boy’, – she said as soon as she saw him the first time.

Before my mom got to come and visit me, a lot had happened. After the night where I got to dance with him at the bunker party for the first time, and after the same night when I made out not far from my house like I’ve never made out before, people I hardly knew would stop me in the street and say: ‘I hear you are seeing the eye candy boy’. Or: ‘I hear you are going out with him’. And I had to look up the difference between the two as I was getting confused!

I also got told: ‘I’m his best friend, you be nice to him’. And ‘I’m his ex, I hear you are dating’. Yes, the news was quick to spread. And at the beginning I’d still see the gardener once in a while, until he saw me gyrating (his word in the text soon after it happened) with the boy and told me he was backing away.

The eye candy boy was still a boy. He was 9 years my junior, imagine that! But he was gorgeous. He worked with his hands, and I always loved that in men. Somehow a man who spends all his day in front of a computer screen (no offence to all of you lovely friends reading this post) doesn’t appeal to me as much as a man who spends his day digging dirt, sometimes literally!

He liked to go out and had many friends, having grown up on the island. Going out with him I made new friends too and got a bit into the party scene. Don’t blame me, going to the pub after work or a disco on the weekend was and probably still is the thing to do in Alderney. Besides, his mom didn’t mind serving me a huge plate of delicious English breakfast on Sunday mornings.

We had a lot of fun. We would cook together, go exploring the local beaches, be lazy watching TV. I couldn’t complain. He made my life in Alderney so much more exciting.

Then my mom came for a visit. Bless her, she’s my hero. She took 3 planes but she made it alright. That’s when she saw the eye candy boy.

And that’s when the eye candy boy cheated on me. Remember the ‘I’m his ex’ comment? That’s right, with her. I admire him for coming out straight, but he couldn’t have chosen a worse moment. I was on a long walk with my mom when I received his text asking to see me. While my mom was admiring Longis bay, he broke my heart.

‘I slept with my ex last night’, he told me. I asked how it happened (he was drunk) and why it happened (he couldn’t give me the answer). So now just imagine me trying to hide my tears and keep a straight face in front of my mom. I couldn’t tell her…

There was a break, of course. Until he showed up on my doorstep with 3 pages of handwritten letter. I read and re-read and re-read those pages many times. The boy was crushed and punishing himself hard. I was crushed too, but seeing his regret made me believe we could get through this.

And although none of my other partners cheated on me or, shall I say, came out and admitted having done so, it always made me wonder. Can you truly forgive infidelity? Can you move on from the pain and let go? Could you see the bigger picture and call it a mistake?

I tried. But the trust was no longer there. Every night spent apart turned into an ugly guessing game. Doubts turned into blame. The relationship was over the moment he told me the truth.

Funnily enough when we decided to break up for good we had already booked our vacation in Canary islands. It was April and we desperately wanted some sun after the rainy and foggy winter. So we decided to still go together. Mistake! It was not fun having to spend two weeks sleeping in separate beds and kind of feeling like strangers. We had a past, so it was not so easy to let go. I remember the boy being in the shower when I decided to check his phone messages. Mistake! Girls, beware! Don’t go through somebody’s phone if you don’t want to find something you don’t like. Because you will. You shouldn’t even think about it, having all the trust in the world in your partner. But we were far from it and I got annoyed seeing him constantly checking his messages.

Lo and behold, the message was from the roofman’s ex/current girlfriend (I stopped trying to figure it out long before this happened), saying what a fantastic time they would have when he got back.

Eye candy boy, I ran away from the hotel room that night and waited for you to come and find me. But you never did.

The party girl

Published: May 18, 2021 / Updated: May 18, 2021 Vilma Life in Europe: Alderney

‘What’s your name?’ – asked the guy who had jumped out of a battered up pick up truck and stopped me in the middle of the road. It was a sunny Sunday morning and I was just walking through the cobbled streets of Alderney enjoying my day off. And then boom – this happened. It felt like a ‘movie star’ moment, and I didn’t mind. I was still the new girl in town. ‘Vilma’, – I said. ‘I’m the gardener’, – he replied, jumped back into his truck and drove away leaving me smiling to myself.

Some time has passed since I came to the island. I found myself a new place to live (thank you for the offer, Helen!), which meant my own room and my own bathroom in a lovely family home. I found myself a better job (I’m pretty sure I owe thanks to somebody there as well) and the island was starting to rub off quite nicely on me.

The walks to and from the new restaurant were pure pleasure with amazing views of the coastline. I hated it when it rained. But the islanders were very friendly and would always offer me a ride up or down the hill in the nasty weather. They would offer it on sunny days too, just to show how truly friendly they were!

A couple of days after the ‘movie star’ incident (see above) I realized that the gardener was living next door to my new place of work. How did I come to realize that? Because he called out my name one morning from his balcony when I was getting ready for the night service. And so the casual greetings turned into the visits to his house – very convenient having to go up just a few steps after my shift.

Now if you think that this turned into something serious, you are absolutely right. It turned into dating 2 men (or at least as close as I ever came to that) at the same time.

Which brings us back to ‘I heard you were making out with the eye candy boy last night’ mentioned previously. Going out with the gardener was ok. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad either. The visits were kind of monotonous, and I think by now you know me well enough to know I’m not ‘the same thing every day’ kind of girl. Oh wait, but I am! Now… Sort of… Back then it was different. And I’ve got one waitress to blame.

About 10 years younger, still in high school, she was the sweetest thing and she did her job well. But she was also always full of stories about a bunker party or a house party she had been to the night before. I had done none of the partying and as you remember, my high school years were spotless and quiet too. But my coworker was a mystery to me. I listened and I listened until I could not just listen anymore and started asking questions. At that time another student joined us at the restaurant and she was also full of stories of the previous night. They both encouraged me to come with them to one of the bunker parties and guaranteed me I’d have a great time.

‘What’s a bunker party?’ – you ask. The recipe is simple. You take a bunker.

You add some lights and music.

You throw in some youngsters.

And you’ve got yourself a party.

Now don’t freak out, please. Having spent the past year in lockdown and still facing the pandemic, I know what you are thinking. The parties were not organized during that time. But when I was there it was the thing to do and the place to be seen (huh? In that darkness?). The bunker would be a mile or two outside of town. But who counted? You’d go with a bunch of friends and have fun on the way. You’d see the bright stars in the dark night sky. You’d do your business on the grass on the side of the road and continue walking like nothing had happened.

Even though I was not yet 30, I was one of the older people there (I checked!). Still, those parties were amazing, something I had never done before. And in one of the first parties I’d gone to, I met the eye candy boy.

The new girl

Published: May 9, 2021 / Updated: May 10, 2021 Vilma Life in Europe: Alderney

‘I heard you were making out with the eye candy boy last night’ – my friend told me. And that basically sums up the island of Alderney – everybody knew everything, in most cases even before it happened. Don’t get me wrong, it was a very special place to me, and very dear to my heart. But it was also very small, and living in a tiny community comes with its challenges.

Of course, I knew nothing about the life on a small island when I took up the job offer. I’d never lived on one before. But that was part of the fun. I had my job and my accommodation all lined up for me, my paperwork was being sorted (although part of the UK, it was not part of the EU at the time). All I needed to do was take a plane. Take it I did. The plane got diverted to Southampton because of the fog and I simply had no idea that was an indication of Alderney weather – the never ending fog. I was just happy I got to spend a night in a hotel, all expenses paid.

Finally the 18 seater Trislander plane approached what looked like a little green paradise, with old forts dotted here and there, and blue waters washing its shores. It looked like nothing I’d seen before.

The island looked magical in the sunlight. And it didn’t so when the rain came. And then the fog. And then the rain. And then more fog. You are starting to get the picture, right? Even though the island was really small, I managed to get lost the first night I went for a walk. I blamed the rain and the fog.

Compared to me previous jobs, this one offered me a private room. What an improvement from the room shared by four! The bathroom was shared, but I had to be grateful for little blessings.

Slowly I started make the transition from the new to the familiar face in the community. At first the coffee lovers in the morning would greet me with ‘Aren’t you the new girl? Where are you from?’, like they didn’t already know, while I fixed them their lattes and cappuccinos. Later they’d say ‘The usual, please, Vilma’ and sit at the same table waiting for the same drink as they did every morning.

I easily made friends with other people working at the restaurant. Some friends warm up my heart up to this day, some were in my life for a brief time, long enough to go out to a pub together or enjoy a cocktail at the Mai Thai.

On one of the stops at the pub after work, a handsome guy saw me for the first time and told me: ‘One day I’ll marry you’. Well, that was quite a statement, there’s no denying that. It was the beer talking, of course, but it took only that much to make my heart beat just a little bit faster! The roofman would show up during my years on the island for brief periods of time. And every time I saw him I would remember the words in the pub that night. What if it wasn’t just the beer? What if?.. He didn’t frequent nearly us often as the fog did, but he did knock on my door couple of times in the middle of the night.

Funnily enough, his two brothers showed me some interest, too. This is what it meant to be the new girl on the island. I had the attention. However, the roofman always ruled my heart.

Another character started showing up at the restaurant with bouquets of flowers and boxes of chocolates, begging me to go out with him. You know me, right, I can’t say no to chocolate. So I did. We met up a few times, shared a couple of laughs, cooked a couple of meals, till he left my place one evening and ended up with his ex the following morning.

From the ‘marriage proposal’ to cheating, I’d gone through it all in Alderney.