Would you say nine years is a long time?
Let me think here… Yes, I think it is. Very long! So much happens in a week, and this is many many weeks.
I found a video from nine years ago. Actually, no, I didn’t find it as I wasn’t looking for it. A notification popped up on my phone with the title ‘Memories together’ and a picture of Beno and I. I had to have a look. Not often I get memories like that on my phone. Sure, the pictures and videos are saved somewhere, where I need to go and look for them. But this, memories popping up without me having to dig into the messy files, this I like.
And so I watched it. And it seemed that nine years ago happened only yesterday. It was a video of us sitting on the beach in Puerto Aventuras, one of my favorite places while I lived in Mexico. The most beautiful couple, him and I. No posing, no faking, no trying to prove anything to anybody. Just us casually talking about what happened. It was supposed to be a picture, but Beno ended up making a video, and we both laugh once we realize it…
… Say what happened…
… So suck, I lost my phone…
… You dived many times trying to get it. I borrowed the goggles…
… I saved it. I hate losing phones like that…
… Show the place…
… Been in the water, the water is so beautiful… Let’s hope everything will work out…
… Everything will work out…
… OK, babe…’
Kiss from me. Kiss from him.
His voice. I have very few videos and voice messages where I can listen to Beno, where he actually talks. This video is it. I listen to his voice (for the entire 1. 12 min, again and again), trying to absorb all that I hear. I look at his lips, his teeth, his tongue, noticing (remembering) how he sticks it between his front teeth, just like our daughter does. I look at his body as intently as possible, remembering each tattoo and the smooth feel of his skin. I look at his hair, my hair, at our smiles and peacefull surroundings. What a day we had nine years ago. What a beautiful memory I have of it.
To the little girl sitting next to me this video is more precious still She doesn’t remember her dad, even though his pictures are always on display. This video, Beno’s voice, steel all her attention.
For both of us, this opens the emotions that have been closed up for a while. The video wakes up the sadness, the love, the loss, the desire to be there again, to experience that moment. The emotions are so powerful that I can’t fall asleep for the longest time that night. Neither does my daughter. She asks why and cries for herself and for her daddy, her tears wetting my nightshirt. I try to stay calm but I cry with her.
