‘How’s your love life?’ – a friend asked me.
‘What is that?’ – I asked back with a straight face.
If that means loneliness and emptiness and a strong attraction to nobody, then it’s going really great!
Does it bother me, though? Not really. I think this is what ‘growing up’ means. I don’t have a man in my life, but I have my daughter. And I love her to infinity and back infinite times. So why would I worry about something that I don’t have when I have the most and the best?
These are the good old truths that sometimes get forgotten. And I am not sure the book I just finished reading had something to do with me growing up. I won’t mention the name of it (if it’s meant to be, you will find out for yourself), I’ll just say it was about time beings. Mountains, waves, people – we are all time beings. All different, all same.
I like order. I like knowing. I like to be ready. Give me the answer so I can plan my moves. Tell me you love me, so I know my feelings don’t go unanswered.
And that’s the tricky part. Knowing makes it real. Knowing does not allow other possibilities. Knowing gives only one truth.
Not knowing, on the other hand, gives an infinity of possibilities. Not only yes or no, but literally anything in between. And why did I always think it was so terrible not to have the answer? Why was I always happiest with only one truth?
The world is beautiful and it’s full of the unknown. Not knowing something means that it can be a ‘million of anythings’. Do I like having only one choice? No. If it’s one, it’s not even a choice, it’s a given. I want to believe that good can be bad, but it can also be better. I want to think that bad can be the best in a parallel universe. I wanna have a rainbow of possibilities.
Is there a man that loves me? Yes. No. Maybe. Will I always be single? For sure. Never. For a little while longer.
The beauty of not knowing is life. Knowing, not knowing – all different, all same.
